Yeah trouble is a friend of mine

I haven't written in quite a while.

Well I am still alive - applause yes, no, maybe.

Anyway I guess a lot has been happening.

I have to go to Centrelink tomorrow to 

finalize my payment stuff.

I'll probably have to call my GP to get  

a referral to see a counsellor or something.

*shrugs*

I'm honestly not in a huge hurry to do that.

I do need some money though - I'd like it 

if my parent's could loan me some -

all I'd have to do is ask I guess.

I've been playing online games a lot lately

& it's really quite nice, to have the time to enjoy

these silly little things.

I was very sick last night - 

it almost came to us calling an ambulance

because the pain was unbearable.

I know I should get that looked into.

To be honest all these years I thought it was indigestion.

It only happens when I eat more than I should.

I know that sounds stupid - but it's true.

Maybe I really do have something wrong with me?

Anyway I'm a bit stressed about the bills.

Mobile, Home Phone, Electricity

& then there's that unpaid rent money.

It's all pretty scary I guess.

I hope things get sorted.

Eek

x

This week or last week I don't really care about it anymore

Monday, what usually is the start of a work week

is now the start of something else.

I quit my job - it was making me far too miserable.

That was my decision & I am okay with it.

I have not been feeling so well &

that's a bit frustrating to be honest.

Every morning I wake up I'm faced with other's expectations.

When in all honesty I just want to be asleep.

I would love to be in some sort of hibernation.

Oh the things I would miss though.

Speaking of, yesterday I met my two day old

niece, little Layla Autumn.

She is so tiny & she is just utterly breathtaking.

The whole thing is overwhelming when you think about it.

I felt confident with her though.

I'm not good with babies, having no younger siblings

or extended family - it's hard to get that sort of practice.

That's the only news really.

I'm not sure what's expected of me today.

I just want to scream & hide.

I don't feel like I am myself.

I zone out & I get tired way too easily.

I do not enjoy waking up much lately.

x

There's no laws or rules to unchain your life

I'm wide awake right now.

Now being 3.33am in the morning!

I just made a hot Milo - we actually need to get more.

I also just put the Simpsons on, 

just for a laugh.

 

This was pointless I thought I wanted to write.

Seriously though the screen is so bright right now

& it's all but one notch turned down.

Now my eyes are watering & I just got the shakes in my arms?

Go figure.

Here's to 3.41 in the morning!

I wish I was asleep!

x

With all the colours in the world, yours had to be blue

What an interesting couple of days.

I had an emotional breakdown in

the heart of the city yesterday.

Central station eat your heart out.

I just reached breaking point & snapped.

I was tearing at the worst time possible.

830-900 in the morning there were thousands

of people rushing to get into their respective work buildings

& then there I was.

I didn't go to work yesterday

& I am not going in today.

I rang my dad before told him I have relapsed.

Told him everything actually.

I didn't hold back once.

It was a mess of crying & sniffing

but I made sense & got everything across.

He's coming over to 'hang out' with me in 2 hours or so.

He was very happy that I didn't bottle it up (even though I did a little)

& he said no matter what happens he's going to support me.

He also said I should speak to Mum. 

I will - but not right now, I hate to disappoint Mum.

I mentioned everything though - like I need a change.

I could lose my job - I want to move somewhere.

That I need myself to be okay.

I even told him some of the thoughts I've been having.

He was pretty worried but all I heard on the phone was love.

Unconditional love - my dad would do anything for me.

In the past - there was an incident.

Quite a shocking one to my rather conservative parents.

I think that situation really opened up their eyes.

Well I'm not 100% there, but I'm certainly on the path.

So to avoid things like that ever happening,

I spoke up.

When I spoke - it was met with support.

That makes me happy.

I think what makes me the most happy is that

Dad said "There is nothing that can't be fixed".

Sure there are some faults to that, like a broken iPod stays broken,

but I am optimistic.

My problems can be on the path to being re-designed with a little help.

It never hurts to ask for a little help.

x

Everything is alright if I just breathe

Public transport went awry today.

I got on the correct train &

then @ Roma St, they announced they

were changing it to an express. WOAH!

I got off in time - if I had stayed on that train

I would have been six stations away from where I'd want to be.

Anyway - I then got a train that wasn't an express

& finally got home.

I've got it planned for tomorrow.

I'm not going all the way home @ least.

We're heading to Daniel's (Amber's brother) for dinner.

So that's several stops I'll avoid & 

because I'm letting Amber drive my car.

I'll get to drive home.

I love being in my car - 

it is killing me a little that @ the end of the day

I don't escape into my Morgy!

Still - I don't mind the train.

Except when people have really bad B.O!

Seriously people, do something about that.

x 

Or I can break & take it with a smile

Okay I am just throwing this out there,

DO NOT in any way - get the Simpsons Season 11 dvd

at least until you've read the following.

So I've waited a couple of months for the dvd.

It's been out for a while & yesterday I decided

to spoil myself - I mean why the hell not?

I never buy anything for myself.

So I get the dvd, I've had an okay day shopping

& I'm finally home & want to enjoy the episodes.

Open the packaging to find that it's nothing like

the previous seasons & I love the earlier packaging.

Okay - so it's a bit different, no harm right.

Getting the DVDs out was a whole other matter.

It appears when you look @ the case that the DVD

can come out of either the left slit or the right slit.

The cardboard is so tight that it's really fucking hard

to get the DVDs out in a slow safe way.

Instead you pour fingerprints all over it

& risk scratching them just to get them out.

But then there's a little surprise...

They have for some dumb-fuck reason -

glue all over them???

Glue on my brand new DVDs? WTF.

There is no way that I've figured out to

get this glue off & as a result 

it has rendered disc two completely unplayable.

I googled the packaging to see if others

had the same trouble as me.

Sure enough - a lot of people have &

apparently JB Hi-FI (where I purchased it from)

had been warning people & gave them instructions on

how to remove the DVDs with a little more ease.

I wasn't instructed - I was told to have a nice day.

Perhaps with the instructions I would have actually had a nice day.

So today means returning the DVDs 

& I assume waiting till the packaging is improved.

Very disappointed.

My weekend hasn't turned out how I imagined it would.

So sometimes when these small things happen,

it's the very thing to push you over that line.

You know the line, between okay & not okay.

x

Edit. I went to JB Hi-Fi & the girl

there was so lovely. I didn't even have to explain

they already knew the situation she got me a replacement one

& checked the DVDs infront of me to make sure there was nothing

wrong with them. *smiles*

Thank you to kindness of others

x

Each second numbs the pain

I have sunken into a song 

but while it's easy to feed

off the sombre tone - 

there is an upbeat.

It actually is really quite nurturing,

like a warm hug.

Nothing compared to the hugs from my girl.

They are mine & I feel mine only.

The weekend is looming

& this one is especially special.

No real reason why - but I want it that badly.

I'm listening to music on iTunes.

It reminds me of when I would sit

in front of my stereo & blast my music up.

It just would help with however I was feeling @ the time.

After I outgrew my stereo I moved up w/ technology

& I would disappear for hours listening to music on Winamp

& eventually here I am with iTunes.

My point is music still makes up a huge part of me

& it's a fantastic way to deal with everything.

So if I'm in my car - I am ALWAYS singing to my iPod.

I feel a little relieved now actually,

thank you very much music.

x

They're gonna eat me alive

An improvement over years & 

a somewhat bold statement

left out in the open - dead air couldn't appreciate

before it was almost suddenly displaced.

No time to linger.

The wrong person to try to talk with.

There are not many people I can talk with.

I want to talk to my brother - 

no I just think I should want to.

I don't want to say a word to any person.

I secretly am hoping this is just 

from over-exaggerated levels of estrogen.

"Help, I'm alive"

There has to be something else.

Something to make the long days seem bearable.

There isn't - everything is just prolonged.

I think the start of my long week - 

Friday night late shopping in the city

I will visit JB HI FI

in the hopes they have

all the CDs I remember they used to have.

Spill Canvas, Metric.

I need these songs right fucking now.

I am just a girl who needs her music.

Without it - I feel exceptionally sad.

Miserable is not a good look.

"Help, I'm alive!"

1 2 3 4, tell me that you love me more

I am looking @ puppies!

To be precise, german shepherd puppies!

They are so adorable! *CUTE ALERT* lol

I want one - oh it'd be my bestest friend

& we'd go on a million adventures.

The dog, the girl & I!

Yes!

Well this week I'm hoping we get off to the movies.

Friday the 13th is coming out.

I enjoyed the classics, well a few of the classics

so I'm looking forward to seeing it

& picking up a chicken curry.

I am totally obsessed with chicken curry.

Shhh

I'm already in bed - 

I'm feeling a little better about things lately.

I'm not sure why - I think because I don't feel stuck.

I had some looks @ some other jobs 

& I didn't feel bad about it.

it's nice to be in a comfortable position

to check out other opportunities, you know.

Today was spent day dreaming about what

one would do with $95 million dollars.

It's an extravagant amount of money - 

the amount pretty unnecessary although

it was today's topic of conversation.

I didn't stray from my usual wants.

Get a house - get the best 5 door black Yaris

& quit my job & get a puppy!! 

I have reachable wants really,

with money I could have them straight away.

I'm off to cuddle the girl.

Lame I know.

Oh before I go,

Feist's 1 2 3 4 puts me in the

best mood ever! Remember that.

x

I hate to be the one with the least amount of control

I wish I had more to say.

I have felt pretty lonely lately.

At work I find myself scribbling out things like,

"Maybe if I look happy, I'll fool everyone".

Post-its come in very handy for things like that.

Other than little writings, I draw myself

with about as much expression as Daria (MTV).

I hope you know the 'look' I'm talking about.

Each day seems to feel longer & longer

& that will literally be the case in another week.

There's really not much I feel I can do.

I want to buy some CD's.

I think I might do that today. Why not?

I need my music this weekend.

x

Someone turn off the mute, can you hear me screaming?

Aaaaargh!

Colourfully referred to as frustration.

There is one day till Friday.

A weekend will sure work nicely

but even that is not enough.

A weekend is only two days 

& a full working week comprises of 5 days.

5 long, arduous, unhappy days.

Sigh

x

So, it's sad this doesn't suit you now

I feel like bomb-diving into a pool,

just so I can hear that splashing sound -

as a kid so familiar but now so far from everything.

Underwater I felt so content & 

it blocked out all the surrounding noise.

That would be nice.

To swim for hours upon hours.

I don't really know where I am going with this.

I  don't have a pool these days

so instead I drown myself in music.

If I allow myself I can find that it

blocks out every other noise - 

sure takes a hell of a lot of concentration.

Well the good news is that 

I scored my week off in April

& a few other important days.

So there's something I'll work towards.

A break. A rest. A chance to pick up my pieces.

Lately I keep dropping everything.

I've tried to gather most things yet

I still seem to forget a few.

Everyone needs time to sort themselves out.

Ideally I'd like a paid year off please.

I can dream.

*shrugs*

I've gone & put on the one song

that I probably shouldn't have.

For someone in the middle of

feeling okay & not so great

this is slanting to one end in particular.

Damn the effects of a 'perfect' song.

Tomorrow is another day

x

No one's very real today

I am sooking hardcore right now.

Why? There's no real reason.

I just sook in the evenings - I like to think

that it's in an 'utterly adorable' way rather

than 'fucking annoying'.

A very big part of me just wants some time off.

I put in for some holidays in April & May.

I hope I get them, it's so nice to get away.

Even if I don't go anywhere it's still nice to

not go to work.

That's my life. Working. 

Then when I'm not working there's

really not much else I'd rather be doing.

I relax & I love it, I could be accused of

relaxing too much but I feel that if you work full-time

then you've surely earned time off to rest.

I don't have much to say.

It's almost bed time & I don't feel

like I have spent near enough time w/ my gf today.

Sigh

x

Can't you see that wall you built for me?

So today is Monday & being NOT @ work is brilliant.

I think that they should really just extend the weekend.

Throw Monday in there - nobody likes to work 5 days a week.

I know I can't stand it. Yet somehow I manage to *shrugs*

I'm looking very forward to my 'Directions' (Death Cab For Cutie) DVD.

Apparently they got 11 prospective filmmakers to produce fitting movies

for some of their songs. According to one of the reviews I read - 

I'll be sure to find them pretty captivating & it gives a whole new

perspective of 'hearing' the songs. I thought it sounded great anyway.

I'm hoping I can keep up with my usual blogs. 

I have a livejournal & I update pretty rarely - even though that

documents say the past 5 years of my life? 

That's been my longest 'journal' r'ship to date.

Other than that I blogged monthly on my Myspace.

I spent the morning saving those entries. 

Some I had completely forgotten that I'd written.

I need that part of my life back.

The one where I write & there is no worrying

about what I say or who reads it.

I can ramble on about things. I do get into moods & 

I will swear from time to time.

That's a journal is it not, a raw insight to a person.

In life as you get older, there is no actual sugar coating,

there are liars & lies thrown around.

Lies don't belong in my journal.

I will say it as I see fit.

I guess this is a disclaimer of sorts.

Oh how I dread work this week.

The last of my early shifts & then I'll be like most other people.

On the fucking train, oh how I detest public transport.

I do - it's what motivated me to get my drivers licence,

ever since that lady fell asleep on me. Eek.

Now I won't have the comfort of 'my own space' instead

I will share my space with strangers & I'll flood the noise out

the only way I know how - with my iPod's volume up way too loud.

Sigh.

I am desperate for some kind of change, any change.

Just not one that means public transport.

x

I took my last sip of water

A new outlet with so many possibilities.

First, I have to come up with something to write about.

Still searching for that change in my life.

I'm sure it will show when I least expect it.

That's how things happen usually?

Music is everything right now.

x