All the wind's at your eyes, at your eyes.

Just got home from my Dad's 70th Birthday Party.

It was really quite fun. Amber didn't come but that was fine.

I rocked up & was introduced to everybody & it was really nice.

I finally met my brother's girlfriend, Ina. We hit it off.

She's so lovely & is a lot like me, & my brother & amber actually.

She likes to play games, she digs transformers, ninja's, pokemon, nintendo.

It was a really nice day.

In 4 days it will be my birthday & I'll be 23.

How exciting *smiles*

Amber just made me the best dinner ever.

Sauteed mushrooms, scrambled egg w/ cheese on a piece of toast.

DELICIOUS!!!

Hope everyone is well

x

When you move, I move with you

I've had a lot of time to think of the things I want

& the things I feel I deserve. Perhaps I'm piling my thoughts

on top of the bad thoughts - but it's a good distraction right? Healthy?

Who cares. I like my current thoughts.

They are being prolonged by the song I'm currently listening to.

I don't know why - I mean both are very separate from each other.

I get inspired in the oddest ways I guess.

Right now I wish I had the 'want' to go get hashbrowns.

I think that's all Amber would eat right now & she needs to eat.

I think she's got the oven on & is heating some chips.

Anyway back to the things I want.

Yes I am in a ditch - a rut, a whatever.

There are things that I know I need to work on.

I find it hard to accept at times

but everyone needs a bit of help, correct?

I am just like those people - who once or more in their life

just need a little hand to get things back on track.

Nothing weird about that.

I don't feel stupid or useless.

I actually feel very in control of my life & my decisions.

Sure I sook from time to time, but I don't need mothering.

Perhaps I have too much pride.

I like to work through my things alone - 

rather than bringing in third parties etc.

That's just how I've been programmed. Indeed.

Wow, I actually just started crying.

Amber - unaware of what I'm writing,

just came in for a hug/cuddle. I like that.

I've been very emotional today. I blame my period for that.

I hate periods, they're just so inconvenient. Oh well.

So, here's some things I want to write about.

I want a family. I want to have a baby in a few years time.

Why do I feel like people would be disappointed in me?

Because I don't think they understand how I work.

I don't think they really know who I am.

I don't think they think I can do it.

I spent my life growing up - being taught things.

Things that as I grew up - wasn't how things turned out to be.

I had people saying I could do something & I had others saying I couldn't.

Why do I feel like they'll be saying I can't this time.

A little insight - for as long as I can remember - I have always wanted a family of my own.

I also have always been a lesbian - so I know that it wouldn't be the easiest thing to do.

My family knows I am gay & accept me & my partner's family love me.

The being gay has never been a problem for them. Which I admire.

Admittedly when I came out - I did not get a good reaction.

It's like all of a sudden I was dead & this stranger was still trying to drown me.

Intense. It's hard to explain when your mother turns on you for being yourself.

Anyway I like to feel that that's all in the past.

Simply because my mother loves me/adores me & accepts me.

My parents are older than most parents also. 

So their values are pretty different, all traditional-like.

I wouldn't really know how to tell them that we're having a baby.

Right now I can't think about it - because I need my other things in order first.

Still - I'd hate to catch a glimpse of how they really felt. You know. 

I think I'm being all kinds of paranoid.

Mum has always said that I still can have kids.

I sure can. 

I told Dad in the car a year or so ago that I want a family w/ kids.

He wanted to talk to me more about it - but I just honestly get scared.

I am very scared of opening up to my family.

I love my parents but there are some things I'm still dealing with.

Wow. I am being rather open to Blogger currently.

I'm afraid that realisation has set in - so I'm closing off.

I don't mean to, but I've already cleared my chest off a little.

I might be the lamest person in the world,

but I feel I would make a really good mother.

Family means the world to me. I can't wait to start my own.

Got to focus on me for the time being.

Thanks for letting me get that all out.

Love 

x

There's no fear when I'm in my room

What is with google taking over blogger & youtube?

Not taking over - but signing in w/ the one password etc.

It's getting a little annoying. So annoying that I can't log onto my youtube account

& I just had a lot of trouble getting into my blogger.

Obviously I got in because here I am writing,

but annoying much.

Well not much to update on.

I feel all over the place to be honest.

Right now I'm focusing on updating my iPod.

Which I've been doing for several hours now.

When the iPod is complete where can I go to listen to it?

Maybe Amber will be up for a drive? Doubtful.

I love the girl & I do feel less stressed thanks

& anybody following, I obviously did forgive her.

I hope that my work fills in that form & sends it back to me

before the 9th. Eek. I hate stressing.

I'm not very good at handling any kinds of stress.

Writing was not a good idea.

I got a visual art diary yesterday, I started drawing again.

Just my silly little drawings, they make me smile.

x

The rest of the ride is riding on you

I have encountered a seven letter word

that seems to be running my life for me.

I don't feel connected to this word whatsoever 

& I have done all in my power to stay far away from it.

Alas - it is consuming me whole & I hate it.

I hate everything about life right now.

What's the point in living?

I want a bedroom w/ familiar things.

I am not the sleeping on other people's floors type girl.

I need a home.

I need to forgive her because I don't

want to stay mad at her for much longer.

It hurts.

x

Yeah trouble is a friend of mine

I haven't written in quite a while.

Well I am still alive - applause yes, no, maybe.

Anyway I guess a lot has been happening.

I have to go to Centrelink tomorrow to 

finalize my payment stuff.

I'll probably have to call my GP to get  

a referral to see a counsellor or something.

*shrugs*

I'm honestly not in a huge hurry to do that.

I do need some money though - I'd like it 

if my parent's could loan me some -

all I'd have to do is ask I guess.

I've been playing online games a lot lately

& it's really quite nice, to have the time to enjoy

these silly little things.

I was very sick last night - 

it almost came to us calling an ambulance

because the pain was unbearable.

I know I should get that looked into.

To be honest all these years I thought it was indigestion.

It only happens when I eat more than I should.

I know that sounds stupid - but it's true.

Maybe I really do have something wrong with me?

Anyway I'm a bit stressed about the bills.

Mobile, Home Phone, Electricity

& then there's that unpaid rent money.

It's all pretty scary I guess.

I hope things get sorted.

Eek

x

This week or last week I don't really care about it anymore

Monday, what usually is the start of a work week

is now the start of something else.

I quit my job - it was making me far too miserable.

That was my decision & I am okay with it.

I have not been feeling so well &

that's a bit frustrating to be honest.

Every morning I wake up I'm faced with other's expectations.

When in all honesty I just want to be asleep.

I would love to be in some sort of hibernation.

Oh the things I would miss though.

Speaking of, yesterday I met my two day old

niece, little Layla Autumn.

She is so tiny & she is just utterly breathtaking.

The whole thing is overwhelming when you think about it.

I felt confident with her though.

I'm not good with babies, having no younger siblings

or extended family - it's hard to get that sort of practice.

That's the only news really.

I'm not sure what's expected of me today.

I just want to scream & hide.

I don't feel like I am myself.

I zone out & I get tired way too easily.

I do not enjoy waking up much lately.

x

There's no laws or rules to unchain your life

I'm wide awake right now.

Now being 3.33am in the morning!

I just made a hot Milo - we actually need to get more.

I also just put the Simpsons on, 

just for a laugh.

 

This was pointless I thought I wanted to write.

Seriously though the screen is so bright right now

& it's all but one notch turned down.

Now my eyes are watering & I just got the shakes in my arms?

Go figure.

Here's to 3.41 in the morning!

I wish I was asleep!

x

With all the colours in the world, yours had to be blue

What an interesting couple of days.

I had an emotional breakdown in

the heart of the city yesterday.

Central station eat your heart out.

I just reached breaking point & snapped.

I was tearing at the worst time possible.

830-900 in the morning there were thousands

of people rushing to get into their respective work buildings

& then there I was.

I didn't go to work yesterday

& I am not going in today.

I rang my dad before told him I have relapsed.

Told him everything actually.

I didn't hold back once.

It was a mess of crying & sniffing

but I made sense & got everything across.

He's coming over to 'hang out' with me in 2 hours or so.

He was very happy that I didn't bottle it up (even though I did a little)

& he said no matter what happens he's going to support me.

He also said I should speak to Mum. 

I will - but not right now, I hate to disappoint Mum.

I mentioned everything though - like I need a change.

I could lose my job - I want to move somewhere.

That I need myself to be okay.

I even told him some of the thoughts I've been having.

He was pretty worried but all I heard on the phone was love.

Unconditional love - my dad would do anything for me.

In the past - there was an incident.

Quite a shocking one to my rather conservative parents.

I think that situation really opened up their eyes.

Well I'm not 100% there, but I'm certainly on the path.

So to avoid things like that ever happening,

I spoke up.

When I spoke - it was met with support.

That makes me happy.

I think what makes me the most happy is that

Dad said "There is nothing that can't be fixed".

Sure there are some faults to that, like a broken iPod stays broken,

but I am optimistic.

My problems can be on the path to being re-designed with a little help.

It never hurts to ask for a little help.

x

Everything is alright if I just breathe

Public transport went awry today.

I got on the correct train &

then @ Roma St, they announced they

were changing it to an express. WOAH!

I got off in time - if I had stayed on that train

I would have been six stations away from where I'd want to be.

Anyway - I then got a train that wasn't an express

& finally got home.

I've got it planned for tomorrow.

I'm not going all the way home @ least.

We're heading to Daniel's (Amber's brother) for dinner.

So that's several stops I'll avoid & 

because I'm letting Amber drive my car.

I'll get to drive home.

I love being in my car - 

it is killing me a little that @ the end of the day

I don't escape into my Morgy!

Still - I don't mind the train.

Except when people have really bad B.O!

Seriously people, do something about that.

x 

Or I can break & take it with a smile

Okay I am just throwing this out there,

DO NOT in any way - get the Simpsons Season 11 dvd

at least until you've read the following.

So I've waited a couple of months for the dvd.

It's been out for a while & yesterday I decided

to spoil myself - I mean why the hell not?

I never buy anything for myself.

So I get the dvd, I've had an okay day shopping

& I'm finally home & want to enjoy the episodes.

Open the packaging to find that it's nothing like

the previous seasons & I love the earlier packaging.

Okay - so it's a bit different, no harm right.

Getting the DVDs out was a whole other matter.

It appears when you look @ the case that the DVD

can come out of either the left slit or the right slit.

The cardboard is so tight that it's really fucking hard

to get the DVDs out in a slow safe way.

Instead you pour fingerprints all over it

& risk scratching them just to get them out.

But then there's a little surprise...

They have for some dumb-fuck reason -

glue all over them???

Glue on my brand new DVDs? WTF.

There is no way that I've figured out to

get this glue off & as a result 

it has rendered disc two completely unplayable.

I googled the packaging to see if others

had the same trouble as me.

Sure enough - a lot of people have &

apparently JB Hi-FI (where I purchased it from)

had been warning people & gave them instructions on

how to remove the DVDs with a little more ease.

I wasn't instructed - I was told to have a nice day.

Perhaps with the instructions I would have actually had a nice day.

So today means returning the DVDs 

& I assume waiting till the packaging is improved.

Very disappointed.

My weekend hasn't turned out how I imagined it would.

So sometimes when these small things happen,

it's the very thing to push you over that line.

You know the line, between okay & not okay.

x

Edit. I went to JB Hi-Fi & the girl

there was so lovely. I didn't even have to explain

they already knew the situation she got me a replacement one

& checked the DVDs infront of me to make sure there was nothing

wrong with them. *smiles*

Thank you to kindness of others

x

Each second numbs the pain

I have sunken into a song 

but while it's easy to feed

off the sombre tone - 

there is an upbeat.

It actually is really quite nurturing,

like a warm hug.

Nothing compared to the hugs from my girl.

They are mine & I feel mine only.

The weekend is looming

& this one is especially special.

No real reason why - but I want it that badly.

I'm listening to music on iTunes.

It reminds me of when I would sit

in front of my stereo & blast my music up.

It just would help with however I was feeling @ the time.

After I outgrew my stereo I moved up w/ technology

& I would disappear for hours listening to music on Winamp

& eventually here I am with iTunes.

My point is music still makes up a huge part of me

& it's a fantastic way to deal with everything.

So if I'm in my car - I am ALWAYS singing to my iPod.

I feel a little relieved now actually,

thank you very much music.

x

They're gonna eat me alive

An improvement over years & 

a somewhat bold statement

left out in the open - dead air couldn't appreciate

before it was almost suddenly displaced.

No time to linger.

The wrong person to try to talk with.

There are not many people I can talk with.

I want to talk to my brother - 

no I just think I should want to.

I don't want to say a word to any person.

I secretly am hoping this is just 

from over-exaggerated levels of estrogen.

"Help, I'm alive"

There has to be something else.

Something to make the long days seem bearable.

There isn't - everything is just prolonged.

I think the start of my long week - 

Friday night late shopping in the city

I will visit JB HI FI

in the hopes they have

all the CDs I remember they used to have.

Spill Canvas, Metric.

I need these songs right fucking now.

I am just a girl who needs her music.

Without it - I feel exceptionally sad.

Miserable is not a good look.

"Help, I'm alive!"

1 2 3 4, tell me that you love me more

I am looking @ puppies!

To be precise, german shepherd puppies!

They are so adorable! *CUTE ALERT* lol

I want one - oh it'd be my bestest friend

& we'd go on a million adventures.

The dog, the girl & I!

Yes!

Well this week I'm hoping we get off to the movies.

Friday the 13th is coming out.

I enjoyed the classics, well a few of the classics

so I'm looking forward to seeing it

& picking up a chicken curry.

I am totally obsessed with chicken curry.

Shhh

I'm already in bed - 

I'm feeling a little better about things lately.

I'm not sure why - I think because I don't feel stuck.

I had some looks @ some other jobs 

& I didn't feel bad about it.

it's nice to be in a comfortable position

to check out other opportunities, you know.

Today was spent day dreaming about what

one would do with $95 million dollars.

It's an extravagant amount of money - 

the amount pretty unnecessary although

it was today's topic of conversation.

I didn't stray from my usual wants.

Get a house - get the best 5 door black Yaris

& quit my job & get a puppy!! 

I have reachable wants really,

with money I could have them straight away.

I'm off to cuddle the girl.

Lame I know.

Oh before I go,

Feist's 1 2 3 4 puts me in the

best mood ever! Remember that.

x

I hate to be the one with the least amount of control

I wish I had more to say.

I have felt pretty lonely lately.

At work I find myself scribbling out things like,

"Maybe if I look happy, I'll fool everyone".

Post-its come in very handy for things like that.

Other than little writings, I draw myself

with about as much expression as Daria (MTV).

I hope you know the 'look' I'm talking about.

Each day seems to feel longer & longer

& that will literally be the case in another week.

There's really not much I feel I can do.

I want to buy some CD's.

I think I might do that today. Why not?

I need my music this weekend.

x

Someone turn off the mute, can you hear me screaming?

Aaaaargh!

Colourfully referred to as frustration.

There is one day till Friday.

A weekend will sure work nicely

but even that is not enough.

A weekend is only two days 

& a full working week comprises of 5 days.

5 long, arduous, unhappy days.

Sigh

x