I miss writing. Beyond words. How ironic.

I miss the days of LJ, everything was just so carefree & I lived every single day.

I think I am just feeling a bit upset. I miss when truth was actually spoken & people's words were honest. I do not know how to bring this up & I know that my heart wants me to hold it close to myself. I know I should because I am one of the lucky ones but I still can't seem to get past the pettiest of things.

I want to drive off. I turned my phone off. It feels nice to be unreachable. Why does love make you put everything else on hold? It seems to always happen.

My left cheek is still numb. Wisdom teeth recovery is lonely & I hate getting involved with my mind. I can only sit here listening to music & crying.

I don't think I understand why I put myself here in this position.

The important thing is my phone is off.

That's all I can understand.

All the wind's at your eyes, at your eyes.

Just got home from my Dad's 70th Birthday Party.

It was really quite fun. Amber didn't come but that was fine.

I rocked up & was introduced to everybody & it was really nice.

I finally met my brother's girlfriend, Ina. We hit it off.

She's so lovely & is a lot like me, & my brother & amber actually.

She likes to play games, she digs transformers, ninja's, pokemon, nintendo.

It was a really nice day.

In 4 days it will be my birthday & I'll be 23.

How exciting *smiles*

Amber just made me the best dinner ever.

Sauteed mushrooms, scrambled egg w/ cheese on a piece of toast.

DELICIOUS!!!

Hope everyone is well

x

When you move, I move with you

I've had a lot of time to think of the things I want

& the things I feel I deserve. Perhaps I'm piling my thoughts

on top of the bad thoughts - but it's a good distraction right? Healthy?

Who cares. I like my current thoughts.

They are being prolonged by the song I'm currently listening to.

I don't know why - I mean both are very separate from each other.

I get inspired in the oddest ways I guess.

Right now I wish I had the 'want' to go get hashbrowns.

I think that's all Amber would eat right now & she needs to eat.

I think she's got the oven on & is heating some chips.

Anyway back to the things I want.

Yes I am in a ditch - a rut, a whatever.

There are things that I know I need to work on.

I find it hard to accept at times

but everyone needs a bit of help, correct?

I am just like those people - who once or more in their life

just need a little hand to get things back on track.

Nothing weird about that.

I don't feel stupid or useless.

I actually feel very in control of my life & my decisions.

Sure I sook from time to time, but I don't need mothering.

Perhaps I have too much pride.

I like to work through my things alone - 

rather than bringing in third parties etc.

That's just how I've been programmed. Indeed.

Wow, I actually just started crying.

Amber - unaware of what I'm writing,

just came in for a hug/cuddle. I like that.

I've been very emotional today. I blame my period for that.

I hate periods, they're just so inconvenient. Oh well.

So, here's some things I want to write about.

I want a family. I want to have a baby in a few years time.

Why do I feel like people would be disappointed in me?

Because I don't think they understand how I work.

I don't think they really know who I am.

I don't think they think I can do it.

I spent my life growing up - being taught things.

Things that as I grew up - wasn't how things turned out to be.

I had people saying I could do something & I had others saying I couldn't.

Why do I feel like they'll be saying I can't this time.

A little insight - for as long as I can remember - I have always wanted a family of my own.

I also have always been a lesbian - so I know that it wouldn't be the easiest thing to do.

My family knows I am gay & accept me & my partner's family love me.

The being gay has never been a problem for them. Which I admire.

Admittedly when I came out - I did not get a good reaction.

It's like all of a sudden I was dead & this stranger was still trying to drown me.

Intense. It's hard to explain when your mother turns on you for being yourself.

Anyway I like to feel that that's all in the past.

Simply because my mother loves me/adores me & accepts me.

My parents are older than most parents also. 

So their values are pretty different, all traditional-like.

I wouldn't really know how to tell them that we're having a baby.

Right now I can't think about it - because I need my other things in order first.

Still - I'd hate to catch a glimpse of how they really felt. You know. 

I think I'm being all kinds of paranoid.

Mum has always said that I still can have kids.

I sure can. 

I told Dad in the car a year or so ago that I want a family w/ kids.

He wanted to talk to me more about it - but I just honestly get scared.

I am very scared of opening up to my family.

I love my parents but there are some things I'm still dealing with.

Wow. I am being rather open to Blogger currently.

I'm afraid that realisation has set in - so I'm closing off.

I don't mean to, but I've already cleared my chest off a little.

I might be the lamest person in the world,

but I feel I would make a really good mother.

Family means the world to me. I can't wait to start my own.

Got to focus on me for the time being.

Thanks for letting me get that all out.

Love 

x

There's no fear when I'm in my room

What is with google taking over blogger & youtube?

Not taking over - but signing in w/ the one password etc.

It's getting a little annoying. So annoying that I can't log onto my youtube account

& I just had a lot of trouble getting into my blogger.

Obviously I got in because here I am writing,

but annoying much.

Well not much to update on.

I feel all over the place to be honest.

Right now I'm focusing on updating my iPod.

Which I've been doing for several hours now.

When the iPod is complete where can I go to listen to it?

Maybe Amber will be up for a drive? Doubtful.

I love the girl & I do feel less stressed thanks

& anybody following, I obviously did forgive her.

I hope that my work fills in that form & sends it back to me

before the 9th. Eek. I hate stressing.

I'm not very good at handling any kinds of stress.

Writing was not a good idea.

I got a visual art diary yesterday, I started drawing again.

Just my silly little drawings, they make me smile.

x

The rest of the ride is riding on you

I have encountered a seven letter word

that seems to be running my life for me.

I don't feel connected to this word whatsoever 

& I have done all in my power to stay far away from it.

Alas - it is consuming me whole & I hate it.

I hate everything about life right now.

What's the point in living?

I want a bedroom w/ familiar things.

I am not the sleeping on other people's floors type girl.

I need a home.

I need to forgive her because I don't

want to stay mad at her for much longer.

It hurts.

x

Yeah trouble is a friend of mine

I haven't written in quite a while.

Well I am still alive - applause yes, no, maybe.

Anyway I guess a lot has been happening.

I have to go to Centrelink tomorrow to 

finalize my payment stuff.

I'll probably have to call my GP to get  

a referral to see a counsellor or something.

*shrugs*

I'm honestly not in a huge hurry to do that.

I do need some money though - I'd like it 

if my parent's could loan me some -

all I'd have to do is ask I guess.

I've been playing online games a lot lately

& it's really quite nice, to have the time to enjoy

these silly little things.

I was very sick last night - 

it almost came to us calling an ambulance

because the pain was unbearable.

I know I should get that looked into.

To be honest all these years I thought it was indigestion.

It only happens when I eat more than I should.

I know that sounds stupid - but it's true.

Maybe I really do have something wrong with me?

Anyway I'm a bit stressed about the bills.

Mobile, Home Phone, Electricity

& then there's that unpaid rent money.

It's all pretty scary I guess.

I hope things get sorted.

Eek

x

This week or last week I don't really care about it anymore

Monday, what usually is the start of a work week

is now the start of something else.

I quit my job - it was making me far too miserable.

That was my decision & I am okay with it.

I have not been feeling so well &

that's a bit frustrating to be honest.

Every morning I wake up I'm faced with other's expectations.

When in all honesty I just want to be asleep.

I would love to be in some sort of hibernation.

Oh the things I would miss though.

Speaking of, yesterday I met my two day old

niece, little Layla Autumn.

She is so tiny & she is just utterly breathtaking.

The whole thing is overwhelming when you think about it.

I felt confident with her though.

I'm not good with babies, having no younger siblings

or extended family - it's hard to get that sort of practice.

That's the only news really.

I'm not sure what's expected of me today.

I just want to scream & hide.

I don't feel like I am myself.

I zone out & I get tired way too easily.

I do not enjoy waking up much lately.

x